today something happened i never expected. I live on a very large farm and have approx. 30 cats. Last year, I raised two litters of kittens because the mothers disappeared. Out of those litters, five survived.

Last night, one of those kittens (who just turned a year) got into the cow pasture, and was kicked. The pasture is acres and acres away from our house, but Gretel made it home. He (yes, he had a girl name) layed down in our driveway and was covered in flies and could not walk well. My parents told me to leave him be, that he was hurt and would be sore for a few days. I went to the barn the next morning, and he was struggling for breath. I got into my car and drove an hour to my vet.

I was expecting some pain medication for him. When he got into the examination room, the vet opened his mouth, and maggots poured out. He lifted his tail, and maggots poured from there as well. My heart broke. How could that had happened in that amount of time?

He was suffering. This little boy who had been the sweetest cat looked at me and it was like he was saying to "help me, please."  The vet said he was in very bad shape, and that we could try to save him but it would hurt him more than it would help him. The vet said that he could put him to sleep and that i could stay with him. I cried really hard- All the sudden he took a deep breath and he didn't take another. This image is sticking in my head, along with the look he gave me before he injected him.

The vet helped me wrap him up in the towel i had brought for him to lay on in the carrier. All the sudden he was just gone, and i can't help to think that i killed him. I know that it was the humane thing to do, and that he would have suffered, and that he was suffering.

I buried him alongside the kittens from last year.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?

First you cry, then you cry more.  The most we can ever do is to try on behalf of another person or animal we love.  Looking back and berating ourself because we didn't do enough is not the lesson to be learned.  The best we can do is love them to health when possible, and/or release them from suffering depending on the situation. 

There will be lingering regrets.  Are there things we would have done differently?  Probably.  Take that knowledge and apply it to the rest of your life.  

Being there at the end is a great gift that you were able to give this kitten.  I've been there myself, holding them as they breathe in and then  release life.  It's so hard.......   I'm so sorry.....

Sometimes, Heaven needs another angel faster than we are ready to let go.  I am so sorry for your loss of Gretel. 

It is a very difficult yet selfless decision you made, to take Gretel's pain and suffering and make it your own instead.  I agree with lab, you heal because you cry, and you smile, and you laugh, and cry again.  To feel guilt and and anger and doubt is normal; they are your feelings, you are entitled to them.  However, don't let those feelings consume you.  They have the power to do so, and that consumption can prevent healing.

Please don't beat yourself up for the feeling that you killed Gretel.  From what you describe, it sounds as if Gretel would not have been able to be treated, even if you had found him immediately after the injury occured, and rushed him to the hospital.  What killed Gretel was the kick he received from one of the cows.  Euthanasia released him from a slow and possibly agonizing death.  Compare Gretel's situation to a person that was in a violent auto accident and is now brain-dead and on life support - it is the auto accident that killed the person; disconnecting the machines only brings about the end result a little faster than just waiting for the body to succumb to the injuries.

You gave Gretel your best - you raised him from a tiny infant, and you showed him love and care his whole life.  By choosing to take his suffering onto your shoulders and into your heart, you showed him how much you truly loved him.

Hugs to you in your time of need,

Cathy and the Crew

I really appreciate your kind words. I thought I would share something with you- today when I came home from work, I noticed a furry little ball of orange stuck under our deck. I removed the lattice work, and found this tiny kitten that does not belong to us. We had tornado warnings all day at my home- and terrible storms, and the kitten was soaking wet and screaming. It's in my lap right now snuggling in blankets.

I believe that Gretel sent me this kitten to show that I can care for it. It's kind of a form of closure, although the pain is still there. I feel that Gretel will live through this kitten who came at the right time.

Thank you so much again. I'm so glad to know people care and understand what I'm going through.

I went through this one time so far.My daughter's cat was elderly and sickly and we all knew he needed to be put down , as he was never going to be able to get up and walk again.He was lying on his side, doing his business on a blanket underneath him and my daughter changed it daily and would wash him up.He was obese.She finally made the decision to put him down , along with the Vet's advice.I went with her.It was heartwrenching.First the Vet gave him a shot to relax him and waited not that long before he took him and gave him one more shot, the one to stop his heart.He was gone instantly.He did not suffer, but my daughter and I said our Good Byes and left and cried outside the Vet's office.It was tough.I know I probably will have to go through this again in time.