| Author | Messages | |
PedigreeChallenged
Best in Group
Posts:1001
 | | 08/17/2006 6:29 PM |
| | Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10 Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children. | | | |
| rusum1
Champion
Posts:3
| | 08/18/2006 11:36 AM |
| DAWG - This is definitely one of the funniest yarns I've read.quote:
Originally posted by BIGDAWG
For Dog Lovers Only
Dear Master:
The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face facts: It's time to get rid of the cat.
Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table.
Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table ? actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.
And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat byproducts you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what's important?
Then there's play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a big dog, descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking it. Haven't I nearly managed to take down a few cars as they've driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she hunches up and spits at me! This can't be sanitary. And shouldn't she be declawed? I'm very concerned about the potential for damage to the furniture and my nose.
Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason.
I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a note from the hamster:
To: Master of the house
From:Hamster
Subject: Cat
Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.
Signed,
Hamster,
Department of Rodent Wheels
I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality-TV show.
I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in roadkill, yet you give me baths all the time!
And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.
So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the No. 1 pet.
Yours truly,
The Dog 
| | | |
| BIGDAWG
Best of Breed
Posts:321
| | 09/02/2006 10:59 PM |
| | Talking Dog
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?" | | | |
| lincod
Posts:0
| | 09/12/2006 3:19 PM |
| | It seems a young frog was trying to win the heart of a porcupine. His father said to him, "My son, how can you fall in love with a porcupine?" The young frog replied, "The skunk would not have me." | | | |
| lincod
Posts:0
| | 09/14/2006 11:11 AM |
| This joke I dedicate to My Queen (RottieQueenB)and her tree that fell on her fence.
What's dangerous and swings from trees?
A monkey with a chainsaw! | | | |
| Lobstah
Posts:0
| | 09/14/2006 6:05 PM |
| | Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in the Villages, in Florida.
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town .
Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose." | | | |
| pragmatic
Champion
Posts:20
| | 09/14/2006 6:36 PM |
| | Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home
Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy: "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess
I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says:
"That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't
find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says: "Well, maybe
we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy
says:
"Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, a
rather large chest, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your
wife look like?".
The old guy says: "Doesn't matter.... let's look for yours." | | | |
| Brennan
Best of Breed
Posts:492
| | 09/16/2006 10:32 AM |
| | A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some chapstick..."
"...and put it on my bill." | | | |
| lincod
Posts:0
| | 09/16/2006 9:45 PM |
| | I know everyone enjoyed my geology jokes tonight and since there was a big demand for more. I thought I would post a few for your enjoyment.
Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Geologist:
10. You have ever had to respond "yes" to the question, "What have you got
in here, rocks?"
9. You have ever taken a 15-passenger van over "roads" that were really
intended only for cattle
8. You have ever found yourself trying to explain to airport security that
a rock hammer isn't really a weapon
7. Your rock garden is located inside your house
6. You have ever hung a picture using a Brunton as a level, and your rock hammer as your hammer
5. Your collection of beer cans and/or bottles rivals the size of your rock collection
4. You consider a "recent event" to be anything that has happened in the
last hundred thousand years
3. Your photos include people only for scale and you have more pictures of
your rock hammer and lens cap than of your family
2. You have ever been on a field trip that included scheduled stops at a
gravel pit and/or a liquor store
And the #1 sign you might be a geologist:
1. You have ever uttered the phrase "have you tried licking it" with no
sexual connotations involved
If you have every experienced any of these, please seek help immediately! | | | |
| lincod
Posts:0
| | 09/16/2006 9:55 PM |
| | Geologists make the bed rock
"The more you try to be gneiss, the more you
get taken for granite"
"Geologists have their faults".
Try a Geologist for a Volcanic Eruption
Grabben a dike by the cleavage!
I'm a geologist and I'm hung like a horst | | | |
| PedigreeChallenged
Best in Group
Posts:1001
| | 09/17/2006 5:16 AM |
| Ok the top 10 was pretty good - some of the one liners - - -
ggggrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooaaannnnnnnnnn! | | | |
| lincod
Posts:0
| | 09/17/2006 1:19 PM |
| | How about these ones Ped?
Why don't mountains tell jokes? Because they might crack up!
What do you get when a cow is in an earthquake? A milkshake!
What did the earthquake say to the other earthquake? It's all your fault! | | | |
| PedigreeChallenged
Best in Group
Posts:1001
| | 09/17/2006 4:19 PM |
| Ok Linc - ya got a chuckle! | | | |
| OKarin
Best in Group
Posts:714
| | 09/21/2006 10:32 AM |
| | Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying,"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response,and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude,he drew his ray gun and said impatiently,
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way!
Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying,"You don't want to do that! I
don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien.He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.There was a huge explosion.A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpled mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied,"If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels,when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!" | | | |
| BIGDAWG
Best of Breed
Posts:321
| | 09/22/2006 11:28 AM |
| Was he related to the man from Nantucket | | | |
| lincod
Posts:0
| | 09/23/2006 12:53 PM |
| | A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I’m gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain’t outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town. The bartender walks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to bloody walk home." | | | |
| WillowsMom
Champion
Posts:6
| | 09/24/2006 1:01 AM |
| | This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says he’ll buy him, but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for ten dollars?”
The owner replies, "He's such a liar." | | | |
| Cheerful
Champion
Posts:158
| | 09/24/2006 1:39 AM |
| | The Limping dog walks into the bar and says..I'm looking for the man that shot my paw
Joke #2
Scientist are now able to do brain transplants, mens brains go for 100,000...womens only 50,000.
why you ask are womens brains less expensive?
Well that's cause womens brains are used | | | |
| lincod
Posts:0
| | 09/24/2006 10:20 AM |
| | An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try." | | | |
| lincod
Posts:0
| | 09/26/2006 1:05 AM |
| | Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The
Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around
Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your
Injun runnin'." | | | |
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